This is a very personal post that I hope will help other people that may be struggling with wanting to start a family but for whatever reason can’t.
My first TTC journey
I wanted a baby long before my other half was on-board with the idea. I wouldn’t dream of tricking anyone into such a serious commitment and life changing decision, so, I waited patiently until he was ready…
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We bought a house, we got engaged, we got married – still, he was enjoying it being just the two of us.
I told him everything accept how badly I wanted a baby. I didn’t want to put pressure on him to change his mind and knew it was important for him to make that choice himself.
The waiting almost killed me. I was hid it from my husband out of fear it might guilt him into agreeing. I went for my pill check up and broke down with my doctor. My doctor gave me my combination pill (as I requested it) but encouraged me to talk to my husband and start a family.
Instead, I spent my evenings locked away in my bathroom, alone with my thoughts. A world without my baby wasn’t a world that felt right. I wondered if I had missed my chance, was getting too old, perhaps I was never meant to have babies. I cried that maybe my husband would never change his mind but I couldn’t leave him – he was the one. But, I wasn’t sure how long I could wait for him; I was losing faith. I felt helpless.
I began thinking of taking my life. I didn’t want anyone in my life to know how deep my struggle ran because I didn’t want them to blame themselves when I was gone and think they could have saved me. Even today, a lot of the closest people are likely to not be aware how bad things got for me. My husband noticed in the evenings, I was hiding myself away and grew concerned. He encouraged me to see the doctor. I was diagnosed me with chronic stress and offered antidepressants but turned them down because I feared if my husband might changed his mind that my body would be full of drugs, instead, I took the option of counselling. Whilst, I waited for the referral I started talking. I confided in one of my best friend and husband. By the time the NHS was able to help me with counselling, I no longer needed it.
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My husband was ready to start trying but now needed my mind to be in a better mental state. Once, we were both ready, I came off the pill but I was so desperate for a baby, I wanted it here 5 years ago and did everything in my power to increase my changes of falling quickly (so, I thought).
Putting pressure on myself to fall quickly, made getting pregnant more difficult. I didn’t noticed what I was doing as I was obssessed and the need to be pregnant was all consuming. I took folic acid, multi-vitamins, cods liver oil, hemp oil, casava-root pills, any other supplements suggested to boost fertility. I kept a spreadsheet to keep track of what I had taken and at what point in my cycle. I took cough medicine to thin my cervical mucus. I even imported Clomid from India. I was using pre-seed, certain sex positions, resting after sex with my legs in the air and strictly sex every other day – it made sex a chore! I was doing ovulation and pregnancy tests and dealing with the heartache of each negative result. After, 9 months I began to count down to seeing my doctor to discuss fertility options and tried to gain wait as my BMI was just below what is accepted for IVF.
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Then, I sold my house and moving stole my focus. Whilst I wasn’t focused on getting pregnant, I got pregnant.
Finally, I had my son. I will never forget how having him has made me feel complete. He really did save my life. I don’t think I could have gone on much longer without him being part of my world.
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My second TTC journey
This time, I wasn’t in a rush. I was now already a mother. If Noah was all the children I’d ever have, I would be thankful for that. My husband made me promise that I wouldn’t go crazy again.
All I did was switch my contraceptive pill for a prenatal multi vitamin and we had sex when we felt like it – we kept it fun. I was shocked when in the first cycle I fell pregnant.
What my TTC journeys taught me:
If you are on your TTC journey, I wish you the best of luck. Don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor if you need help at any stage.
If you have been successful – congratulations. What was it that worked for you?
