This post is part of my series to introduce the main characters of Ocean Heart to you and what my editor said.
When you read Ocean Heart you’ll wonder how the story ever worked without best friend Ana, but she wasn’t in several first drafts! I love her so much, I want to create a spin off novel from my series, for Ana.
Anastasia Drake
Role in Ocean Heart: Confidant (Best Friend to MC)
She often goes by the name Ana. Her name was chosen by her mum who died shortly after childbirth. Her dad won’t speak about it but says she looks a lot like her.
Ana isn’t close to her dad. He works a lot and she spent her early years with childminders and in boarding school… until she got expelled, from them all.
Ana is trying hard to keep out of trouble at her new school and has avoided making any close friends until she sees Mariah. Mariah looks as lonely as she feels, so she invites her to come swimming.
Ana comes across happy and bubbly but behind the smiles and makeup is she a dark secret. Her step mum tries to help her by finding an amazing doctor, but meds and treatment aren’t working. Ana needs something more potent, unique… Ana needs magic.
Ana is crushing on the swim coach. In her spare time she is creative. She loves fashion, taking pictures and creating animations on her computer.
What my editor said…
My editor really enjoyed Ana. She pointed out occasions where I was so focused on Mariah’s plot, she was rude to Ana. That was not my intention, so thanks to her feedback I got fixing that. Ana is the BFF we all want.
I enjoyed creating my blurb. It’s the little short enticing summary that goes on the back cover of a printed book.
Over the years I’ve tweaked it but now I’m self publishing it was important to get feedback from others.
This post is going to share with you my original blurb through to the final version. I hope you find the feedback useful for writing any blurb.
ORIGINAL
Tag line:
Being a mermaid brings a new depth to “It’s complicated!”
Blurb:
One kiss is all it took to wake Mariah’s weather manipulation powers.
Mariah is crushing on her best friend, rivalling with the swim team star and her guardian Gwyn is meddling in her life using magic. Mariah is about to discover she’s a mermaid with dangerous powers.
When your love life’s a mess and your deadly powers are connected to your emotions, it gives a new meaning to “It’s complicated.”
ELEXIS VERSION
The first offer help was author Elexis Bell. She has published several novels, and various genres.
Okiedoke. If it’s at the end, I might leave mermaid out of the blurb. But that’s just me. Also, I love the play on words with being a mermaid bringing new depth to it’s complicated. I only dropped it from the blurb because it’s already going to be on the front of the book.
Here’s what I came up with. If you don’t like it (or only like parts of it), no worries. ?
Blurb:
With a crush on her best friend and a rivalry brewing with the swim team star, Mariah’s life is anything but simple.
Especially with her guardian, Gwyn, using magic to keep secrets. But all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later.
When a single kiss reveals Mariah’s true form, she learns that mixing a messy love life with deadly powers fuelled by emotion might be more than she bargained for.
AMENDED VERSION 1
Blurb:
With a crush on her best friend and a rivalry brewing with the swim team star, Mariah’s life is anything but simple.
Especially with her guardian, Gwyn, using magic to keep secrets. But all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later.
Mariah’s about to discover she’s anything but ordinary. Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers might be more than she bargained for.
OR
Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers is an imminent disaster waiting to happen.
OR
Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers is just the start of a brewing storm of trouble.
Being a mermaid brings a new depth to ‘it’s complicated.
With a crush on her best friend and a rivalry brewing with the swim team’s star, Mariah’s life is anything but simple. Throw her guardian, Gwyn, using magic to keep secrets in the mix, ordinary comes close, but all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later and it is then Mariah discovers she’s anything but ordinary. Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers is just the start of a brewing storm. Will Mariah be able to contain it or will she be swept up in its wake?
AMENDED VERSION
Tag:
Being a mermaid brings a new depth to ‘it’s complicated.
Blurb:
With a crush on her best friend and a rivalry brewing with the swim team star, Mariah’s life is anything but simple.
Especially with her guardian, Gwyn, using magic to keep secrets. But all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later.
Mariah’s about to discover she’s anything but ordinary. Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers will whip up a storm of trouble. Will Mariah be able to contain it or will she be swept up in its wake?
KARA FEEDBACK
There’s a lot of will going on in the last sentence….
Can Mariah contain it, or will she be… that might help some
AMENDED VERSION
Tag:
Being a mermaid brings a new depth to ‘it’s complicated.
Blurb:
With a crush on her best friend and a rivalry brewing with the swim team star, Mariah’s life is anything but simple.
Especially with her guardian, Gwyn, using magic to keep secrets. But all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later.
Mariah’s about to discover she’s anything but ordinary. Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers will whip up a storm of trouble. Can Mariah contain it or will she be swept up in its wake?
Then Contemporary Fantasy author J D Groomoffered some suggestions…
JODIE’S COMMENT
I like it! I’m not sure about the middle paragraph though ?
Something about starting with ‘especially’ doesn’t sit right.
Maybe something like, ‘Added to that her guardian, Gwyn, is using magic to keep secrets…’ etc
AMENDED VERSION
Tag:
Being a mermaid brings a new depth to ‘it’s complicated.
Blurb:
With a crush on her best friend and a rivalry brewing with the swim team star, Mariah’s life is anything but simple.
Added to that, her guardian, Gwyn is using magic to keep secrets. But all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later.
Mariah’s about to discover she’s anything but ordinary. Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers will whip up a storm of trouble. Can Mariah contain it or will she be swept up in its wake?
Then, I noticed during the edits I’d lost a speech mark. I was also running every edit past my hubby and his best mate Dale to get their feedback too. It was done & I sent it to my cover designer…
She had a whole formula to share with me and examples of where it had been done well to illustrate what she meant. She really had gone above and beyond what I’d commissioned her for. But, it’s too long for this post & I didn’t seek her permission to share her secrets. But, it meant more editing…
AMENDED VERSION
Tag:
Being a mermaid brings a new depth to ‘it’s complicated.’
Blurb:
Mariah is a regular highschool teen, or that’s what she thinks. With a crush on her best friend, and a rivalry brewing with the swim team star, Mariah’s life is anything but simple.
Added to that, her guardian is using magic to keep Mariah safe from a probable future of reapers coming for a soul, or merblood being spilt by a vengeful werewolf. But all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later.
Mariah’s about to discover she’s anything but ordinary. Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers will whip up a storm of trouble. Can Mariah contain it or will she be swept up in its wake?
A gripping story about a mermaid, first love, and self acceptance. Join Mariah as she awakens!
Asit had been edited I sought more feedback. Cassidy, Kara and Richenda were able to give me pointers.
AMENDED VERSION 2
Tag:
Being a mermaid brings a new depth to ‘it’s complicated.’
Blurb:
Highschool teen Mariah’s life is anything but simple. With a crush on her best friend, and a rivalry brewing with the swim team star, her powers awaken early.
Mariah’s guardian meddles in her life with magic attempting to keep her safe from the soul reapers, and a werewolf hunting merblood. But all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later. Mariah is about to discover she’s a mermaid!
Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers will whip up a storm of trouble. Can Mariah contain it or will she be swept up in its wake?
An exciting coming of age story about a mermaid and romance that literally sparks.
FEEDBACK FROM KARA
Blurb:
Highschool teen Mariah’s life is anything but simple. Between a crush on her best friend, and a rivalry brewing with the swim team star, her powers awaken early.
Mariah’s guardian meddles in her life with magic attempting to keep her safe from the soul reapers, and a werewolf hunting merblood. (This is an odd sentence. You kinda want a ‘When a…. , she …’ structure to build up tension. Like: When Mariah’s guardian meddles in her life with magic to keep her safe from the soul reapers and a merblood hunting werewolf, she learns there’s more to this world he is not willing to share). But all secrets wash ashore, sooner or later (, and she’s about to discovers hers!). Mariah is about to discover she’s a mermaid!
Mixing a messy love life with deadly powers will whip up a storm of trouble. Can Mariah contain it or will she be swept up in its wake?
A gripping story about a mermaid, self acceptance, and romance that literally sparks.
Hi Allison,
Sorry, I had a look at your blurb and I thought it could use a bit of tightening to amp up the tension in the text. Sorry if I’m too forward, I just want to help.
Kara also spotted during the edits that an apostrophe had been lost.
FINAL VERSION:
I thought I was finally done and sent it off to my cover designer again. Then, I spotted that ‘high school’ didn’t have a space. ?
I can’t believe I’m finally at this point where I can share this excellent news!
Ocean Heart is available everywhere!
eBook
If you enjoy reading on an electronic device you’ll be pleased to know you can read Ocean Heart. PreOrder it for Kindle, iBooks, Kobo or Google Play. Many of these have free apps so you can also read on a Smart Phone.
Traditional brick & mortar shops can stock Ocean Heart. They choose what to order for their shelves. This is a great way to support your local bookstores.
If you can’t see it on the shelf, you can request they order it in. They’ll be able to find it in the Ingram Sparks catalogue, but to make it easier for them share the ISBN below.
My local bookstore Stillwater Books has agreed to a non-contact book signing. You can preorder Ocean Heart through them, I’ll pop in and sign it. They will then deliver it to your doorstep in Felixstowe (or surrounding areas).
Library
The next challenge will be to get it into libraries so it can be accessible to everyone.
This post is part of my series to introduce the main characters of Ocean Heart to you and what my editor said.
The next character to make an appearance is neighbour, best friend, and love interest, Jace Walker.
Ocean Heart: Jace Walker
Role in Ocean Heart: Confidant/Love Interest (As Mariah’s long time BFF she can tell him anything … well, almost anything .)
Jace Walker
Jace is really close to his mum. It’s been just the two of them, his dad left before he was born.
He’s dreaming of heading off to uni, and wants his mum to have someone before he goes.
He loves seeing her with her fiancé but when they decide to move he knows his neighbour Mariah will find this hard. Jace also knows he needs to encourage Mariah to not be so dependent on her.
What my editor said…
My editor pointed out how Jace and Mariah have a friendship through convenience. With no interests to hold them together, Jace doesn’t try that hard to stay in touch.
My editor suggested adding in some shared interests but this is a fundamental problem with their relationship. Their more like brother & sister, until hormones complicate things.
I’m going to do a series of posts to introduce the main characters of Ocean Heart to you and what my editor said.
It only seems right to start with Mariah, after all she is the main character…
Ocean Heart: Mariah Turner
Role in Ocean Heart: Protagonist (Main Character)
Mariah Turner
Mariah has always felt like she doesn’t fit in and relies a lot on her best friend Jace to carry her in social situations.
Mariah lives with Gwyn, her eccentric mum who predicts the future and insists on casting spells, mostly to control Mariah.
Next door are the Walker’s and her best friend Jace. Born only days apart, Mariah can’t remember a day without him.
Mariah is secretly crushing on Jace. She’s terrified of loosing him and will do anything to get him to see her, not only as a friend.
Mariah longs to swim but can’t. She has a rare condition that causes her skin to breakout in a strange rash. She must always wear her allergy bracelet.
What my editor said…
Avery McDougall had the following to say about Mariah in the Developmental Report.
The report gave me suggestions to improve the character but it was the first time I got to see her described by someone else…
The story of the Sea Witch, the villainess from Hans Christian Anderson’s classic tale The Little Mermaid, told from the viewpoint of the Sea Witch when she was a twelve-year-old girl…
Evie has been wracked with guilt ever since her best friend, Anna, drowned. So when a girl appears on shore with an uncanny resemblance to Anna, Evie befriends her in an effort to make amends. And as the two girls catch the eyes – and hearts – of two charming princes, Evie believes that she might finally have a chance at happy ever after. But is Evie’s new friend really who she says she is?
A gripping story of friendship, betrayal and the power of hope…
Beginning
The story starts by introducing the three friends Evie, Anna, and Nik (aka the Crown Prince). The childhood friends are running along the beach and playing in a cove until there’s an accident. Evie risks her life to save Nik. Evie cracks her head on a rock. Her friends rush her home to her family that know magic and her mother gives her life to save Evie.
We then jump to Nik’s sixteenth birthday taking place on a ship. It reminded me of the scene from the start of Disney’s little mermaid. Anna isn’t here as she died in a tragic accident. This did confuse me a little as I thought I’d missed something because the only tragic accident I knew about was the one above, and Anna was fine.
A storm comes and Nik is washed overboard. Evie and his playboy cousin Iker search the tide for him, hoping he’s been washed ashore. Evie spots Nik first, he’s with a girl, but in a flash she is gone.
Middle
Evie is a witch but hides her magic because it’s punishable by death. The story covers lots of celebrations including one where wicker dolls to symbolize witches are thrown into the fire.
Evie meets a mysterious girl that is a dead ringer for her friend Ana who tragically died, taken by the sea, during a swimming challenge gone wrong. The new girl claims to be Annemette.
Annemette reveals to Evie she too has magic, and confesses to being a mermaid. It was her that saved Nik when he almost drowned and she fell in love and had to come to land for true love. She has limited time to get true loves kiss or return to the sea as foam.
Annemette is in luck because, as Nik’s BFF, she’s the one girl with access to him. But, Evie is poor and shunned away by the elite as unsuitable, so she’s not usually invited into the palace. Evie lies, and says Annemette is from a well off family, and Annemette uses her magic to create herself (and Evie), fine dresses. As a result, they are invited to stay at the palace.
Evie encourages Nik to date Annemette. She reminds her so much of her lost friend, she’ll do anything for her. Evie starts dating Iker. Nik isn’t too pleased about this, due to Iker’s reputation and there is a hint of jealous. Evie knows her and Nik can only ever be friends due to her heritage.
While Iker keeps kissing Evie, Nik holds back with Annemette. As the days pass, Nik starts expressing his suspicions more and more causing friction.
Evie searches for another way to break the curse. She starts practising her magic more, becoming stronger.
During all of this, there are flashbacks. These sometimes reveal Evie’s pasts, and sometimes the Little Mermaids and her life bebeathe the waves.
End
Time is running out! In Evie’s desperation she tells Nik, Annemette is a mermaid. Annemette is not impressed, so, she reveals Evie is a which! Iker over heals and demands the guards arrest her.
The girls run. Evie is still determined to save Annemette and believes she’s figured out the spell. It turns out Annemette has her own ideas to stay human & it has nothing to do with kissing Nik.
It’s during these final pages, Nik confesses he never had eyes for Annemette, he has always loved Evie. Annemette takes Nik’s life, making her human. But, as a human she’s vulnerable. Evie is shot with arrows and pulls Annemette down into the water. She holds her down until her last breath. Her friend, dead again.
Evie doesn’t die. With all the magic swirling in the water, she merges with an octopus and becomes the Sea Witch.
Final Thoughts
I loved the story telling. Sarah Henning set the novel in Denmark where it was from originally. She brought to life the Danish coast, and a fishing village rich in customs. There were moments that were so vivid, and I loved the fresh take on a classic fairy tale.
There wasn’t a happily ever after. I really wanted to see her with the crown prince & show those snobs that their love is more powerful. But, I guess I should have expected it. I kept looking at the cover and wondering where the famous sea witch was, and she was Evie.
The sea witch is usually the villain but in her own story she wasn’t. I liked Evie and I felt sorry for her fate. I’ll have to read book 2, Sea Witch Rising, to see if things improve for her.
I’m doing the challenge with World IndieWarriors and set my goals as follows:
Write the ending of Sky Heart (book 2) – estimated 20k words
Finish reading my two current reads (Agent Undone by Cassidy Reyne, and Sea Witch by Sarah Henning)
Complete Storyseller Academy course
About Sky Heart
Slow Start
1 July
I’ve barely started! So, at the end of June I was sending Ocean Heart (book 1) to my editor but fear struck. It was ready a week early but I kept reading it through, checking it, worrying whether it is good enough. When I was still doing this is July, I realised what I was doing and hit send… at almost midnight.
2 July
So, I started a day late. When I looked at chapter 24 of Sky Heart (book 2) I couldn’t remember what was going on. It dawned on me that it’s been too long, I need to reread it all to get my hear back in the story. I may not get to write this month ?.
3 July
I was introduced to a website called Art Breeder. OMG this website is addictive! At first my ‘breeds’ were not quite right but the more I played the better I got.
Top row – Mariah, Jace; Bottom row – Murray, Kiely
4 July
Today, I’ve been working on blog posts and reading (a little). Blog posts weren’t part of my NaNo goal but reading was. Finally started on Camp NaNo ?.
Reflecting
I think if it wasn’t Camp NaNo, I would have taken a break this month to reflect on finishing Ocean Heart.
I’m nervous about what is next and still have a lot to learn and publishing it is my annual priority goal.
You’ll notice I’ll be more laid back about my goals this month. As always, any progress is good but I’m more interested in the social aspect of the challenge.
It’s a great way to connect with other writers. If I can encourage another creative towards achieving their goals, that’s still a win. And once I’ve rejuvenated I’ll come back stronger.
This a summary of the highs and lows of my writing this month.
Editing Ocean Heart
Maybe I’m too ambitious but I’ve not achieved the word count I wanted to. I had a few days feeling rundown and a few days where the heat gave me a killer headache.
And, editing isn’t something you can rush. I’ve worked on 4 chapters that needed a lot of work. They are important chapters in the novel so it was vital they made the right impact.
I’ve edited 25k words and my total is now 52k words edited. I’ve reached chapter 18 (or 21 in the original draft). I’m just over halfway through.
World Indie Warriors Brochure
This month I started work on the new look for the summer brochure. It’s the third edition and due to be released by end of June.
I’m please to report the brochure is mostly done. I’m just waiting for certain Indies to confirm their section is correct and waiting on a special feature. The deadline is end of May, so if they don’t reply I’ll just do the final touches and ensure it’s released at the end of June.
Lockdown, Furlough & Home Schooling
At the end of April I went on Furlough. It hasn’t freed up my time to write more but it has alleviated pressure where my kids are concerned.
The extra time does make me miss those I can’t visit more and wish I could take the kids somewhere fun or go our for a nice meal with my husband. But, being more available helps make homeschooling more enjoyable for my son and easier for me. Plus, I’m getting more time with my little girl.
The Government are trying to get kids back into school. One year group chosen to go back is my son’s. He’s just settled into homeschooling and I don’t want to unsettle him again when in a few weeks it’ll be the school holidays. So, for now, I’ve chosen to keep him home.
But, we are all safe and healthy and that is most important.
Learning New Skills
There are lots of opportunities to learn at the moment. OU & Google have collaborated together to create a FREE Digital Marketing course.
I have not had time to look anymore at the course or content. Once the brochure is done, I’m hoping I will have some free time to appreciate my access to this fabulous course.
Summary
For someone who felt like they didn’t achieve anything, I can see that I actually did make progress. I just wish I’d managed to fit in more editing as I want to reach the next step on my publishing journey.
This review is of an ARC copy of Mermaid School by Lucy Courtenay from Net Galley. My review has not been influenced and is my honest thoughts.
For starters, I know I am not the target audience for this book but here are two truths about me:
I love mermaids.
I love books for kids.
This is an early chapter book and doesn’t take long to read. The text is broken up with sketches of what is going on in the story.
Beginning
The main character is Marnie. She is feeling nervous about her first day at school. Marnie tries to hide who she is to fit in.
Certain teachers assume Marnie will be trouble due to her wild aunt Christabel’s reputation . Her aunt is also a radio celebrity which earns Marnie cool points with some students.
By the end of day one, Marnie has succeeded in making her first friend, Pearl, and her first enemy, Orla.
Middle
Marnie’s mum and aunt give her advice on handling Orla. Somehow their advice gets Marnie into trouble. Now Marnie has to muck out the seahorse stables.
Orla’s bad attitude is not making her popular with any of the other mermaids either. During an outburst, Orla reveals what her problem with Marnie is. Orla’s sister is missing in a dangerous storm and wouldn’t have been working there if Christabel had played the demo tape as promised.
Marnie decides she wants to help Orla. She goes to the studio with Pearl to look for the demo tape but can’t find it.
End
Things get worse. Orla’s sister is found – yay – but, now Orla is missing. Marnie has an idea, and together with Pearl they rescue Orla.
Marnie realises where the missing demo tape is. She finds it. Christabel plays it and offers Orla’s sister a job.
There’s also an extra chapter that reveals a final secret. Shh!
Thoughts
There are lots of fishy puns that reminded me of a YA novel I read called Forgive My Fins. The puns worked better in this MG book due to the age of the characters.
The story gently deals with issues like fitting in, bullying, friendship and being kind. The fantasy setting is brilliant. A lot of thought has gone into the sort of classes a mermaid would have and the way their world operates.
It’s a sweet story and will likely appeal to young girls looking to read their first chapter books.
